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If you think the massacre in Orlando was about Muslim, Islam or anything else, You miss EVERYTHING. Yes you! Who has been trying to hijack the LGBT community struggle and create your own narrative of there were 50 people killed by an Islamic terrorist. The facts aren't supporting your narrative. Stop inciting hate to another religion when it is your own that perpetuates it!
These are pretty radical statement. This has all drug up bits and pieces of the past for me in the last 24 hours. Some of you have seen my previous personal posts. If you haven't, please take the time to look at them.
Early in my high school career I had wanted to get Details Magazine in a subscription. I was told it wasn't the "right" type of magazine by my parents and was given a subscription to GQ. In the GQ I found an article about a study done at Harvard in 1990. The study focused on people who identified as seriously homophobic individuals. They took those individuals and placed them in a setting where they showed both straight porn and gay porn and measured the engorgement of the penis to see arousal. They found that 90% of seriously homophobic individuals were closeted homosexuals.
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In high school I lost myself in the church. I prayed folks. I was a bible thumper to the point I remember my sister declaring I'd lost it with religion. I prayed the gay away. I did so because CHRISTIANS told me I was going to hell. That I was evil. That I had the devil in me. That I was better off DEAD. I asked for it to be gone. I was at youth group all the time. I was kneeling in front of the cross till the youth pastor said enough was enough. And they were taken from me too. I knew what I was, and I knew everyone would hate me for it.
In 1995, a high school friend came over to the house because he was a computer nerd. My mother's computer, where I had secretly been looking at gay porn and chatting on gay sites, slowly learning that maybe I wasn't the only person out there with these troubles. Well the computer had become, shall we say, a Drag to work with?. Jeremy found the cookie files and started seeing all the gay porn and asked me about it. I flew into a rage. I went and told my mother she should watch her laptop better because she obviously wasn't protecting it enough. I said it was disgusting and filthy and that it should never have been accessed. I remember seething and hating myself and most of all, hating that I had been caught.
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I did all this railing against in fear. I was in fear someone would know my truth. Someone would find out I was gay in a small ass town of Clinton, Oklahoma. I tried to blame Jeremy. I blamed my mom. I blamed her coworkers and her clients and vehemently denounced them.
I tell this because I have felt that rage. I have felt that sickness and fear that motivates these type of acts. I realize I was denouncing myself. I was playing into every fear and loathing that was taught to me by such a small town.
I was able to get past it. But most straight people will NEVER know the fire and purgatory it is to grow up in absolute disdain of yourself.
This man was sick. This man never was able to come to terms with his sexuality. This man came to hate himself and choose to destroy that of what he saw in himself in the outside world. This man committed a HATE CRIME. He hated himself enough to take it out on the rest of the world. It happens all to often. Please see the article below.
Quit trying to co op our tragedy. This is an unfortunate response gay people have from the societal pressure to be straight. This is a direct result of YOUR OWN PREJUDICE. Just STOP with the fucking Muslim or Islam shit. That isn't the problem. The hatred gays feel about themselves because of how they perceive themselves in society is the problem. Own it. Move on. Be the change you want to be. Let's make tomorrow better.
God I need a drink.
http://www.palmbeachpost.com/…/orlando-shooter-omar-…/nrfwW/
http://www.shrink-friendly.co.il/tau/article/homophobia.pdf
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/29/opinion/sunday/homophobic-maybe-youre-gay.html?ref=opinion
Previous Facebook post:
Someone close to me recently said that I could have graduated college back in my early twenties. I said I couldn't because I wasn't in a good mental place. Learning to cope with constant fear is not an easy task. And dealing with realizing you are hated simply for who you love is a life altering revelation. There is a reason why, in a study done in 2000 they found that 90% of gay men reported having done drugs at some point in their life. It's to escape.
Many people don't realize this but I learned in high school not to be a victim. I wasn't really bullied because people thought of me as the type that could react. I did react when it happen, explosively. Needless to say even living in the constant anxiety and stress of coming out I knew the dangers. There is a reason that 50% of all teenage suicides are due to repression of homosexual desires, and 90% of those attempts are fatal. Not cries for help; these gun shot to the head or strangulation; they want to end it to end the crucible that is coming to terms with a life where most of general society thinks you should be dead.
My friend (ex boyfriend Ed) got beat so badly he had to have his jaw wired shut for months. I carried a short sword with me in the car. Always. I was scared shitless but I was going to give myself a chance at defending myself. When another friend got beaten and put I the hospital by his neighbors, I gave him that sword. And then I kept a bat in the car.
The long and short of it is, we all have demons that we are chasing. Some of us are more effective at demolishing them than others. Please stop assuming that all gay people magically find a fairy wand and are suddenly fabulous. None of us do. It is a tumultuous crucible of self loathing and doubt that we come out the other side with a fire born of extinguished hate replaced with a fire to bring justice to our community. That is why we become activists. That is why we are effective at it. We've already beat ourselves to shreds and come out the other side.
Someone close to me recently said that I could have graduated college back in my early twenties. I said I couldn't because I wasn't in a good mental place. Learning to cope with constant fear is not an easy task. And dealing with realizing you are hated simply for who you love is a life altering revelation. There is a reason why, in a study done in 2000 they found that 90% of gay men reported having done drugs at some point in their life. It's to escape.
Many people don't realize this but I learned in high school not to be a victim. I wasn't really bullied because people thought of me as the type that could react. I did react when it happen, explosively. Needless to say even living in the constant anxiety and stress of coming out I knew the dangers. There is a reason that 50% of all teenage suicides are due to repression of homosexual desires, and 90% of those attempts are fatal. Not cries for help; these gun shot to the head or strangulation; they want to end it to end the crucible that is coming to terms with a life where most of general society thinks you should be dead.
Black Cloud Motion Pictures
My friend (ex boyfriend Ed) got beat so badly he had to have his jaw wired shut for months. I carried a short sword with me in the car. Always. I was scared shitless but I was going to give myself a chance at defending myself. When another friend got beaten and put I the hospital by his neighbors, I gave him that sword. And then I kept a bat in the car.
The long and short of it is, we all have demons that we are chasing. Some of us are more effective at demolishing them than others. Please stop assuming that all gay people magically find a fairy wand and are suddenly fabulous. None of us do. It is a tumultuous crucible of self loathing and doubt that we come out the other side with a fire born of extinguished hate replaced with a fire to bring justice to our community. That is why we become activists. That is why we are effective at it. We've already beat ourselves to shreds and come out the other side.
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