Gay Is The New...

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If you think the massacre in Orlando was about Muslim, Islam or anything else, You miss EVERYTHING. Yes you! Who has been trying to hijack the LGBT community struggle and create your own narrative of there were 50 people killed by an Islamic terrorist. The facts aren't supporting your narrative. Stop inciting hate to another religion when it is your own that perpetuates it!

These are pretty radical statement. This has all drug up bits and pieces of the past for me in the last 24 hours. Some of you have seen my previous personal posts. If you haven't, please take the time to look at them.

Early in my high school career I had wanted to get Details Magazine in a subscription. I was told it wasn't the "right" type of magazine by my parents and was given a subscription to GQ. In the GQ I found an article about a study done at Harvard in 1990. The study focused on people who identified as seriously homophobic individuals. They took those individuals and placed them in a setting where they showed both straight porn and gay porn and measured the engorgement of the penis to see arousal. They found that 90% of seriously homophobic individuals were closeted homosexuals.

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In high school I lost myself in the church. I prayed folks. I was a bible thumper to the point I remember my sister declaring I'd lost it with religion. I prayed the gay away. I did so because CHRISTIANS told me I was going to hell. That I was evil. That I had the devil in me. That I was better off DEAD. I asked for it to be gone. I was at youth group all the time. I was kneeling in front of the cross till the youth pastor said enough was enough. And they were taken from me too. I knew what I was, and I knew everyone would hate me for it.

In 1995, a high school friend came over to the house because he was a computer nerd. My mother's computer, where I had secretly been looking at gay porn and chatting on gay sites, slowly learning that maybe I wasn't the only person out there with these troubles. Well the computer had become, shall we say, a Drag to work with?. Jeremy found the cookie files and started seeing all the gay porn and asked me about it. I flew into a rage. I went and told my mother she should watch her laptop better because she obviously wasn't protecting it enough. I said it was disgusting and filthy and that it should never have been accessed. I remember seething and hating myself and most of all, hating that I had been caught.

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I did all this railing against in fear. I was in fear someone would know my truth. Someone would find out I was gay in a small ass town of Clinton, Oklahoma. I tried to blame Jeremy. I blamed my mom. I blamed her coworkers and her clients and vehemently denounced them.

I tell this because I have felt that rage. I have felt that sickness and fear that motivates these type of acts. I realize I was denouncing myself. I was playing into every fear and loathing that was taught to me by such a small town.

I was able to get past it. But most straight people will NEVER know the fire and purgatory it is to grow up in absolute disdain of yourself.

This man was sick. This man never was able to come to terms with his sexuality. This man came to hate himself and choose to destroy that of what he saw in himself in the outside world. This man committed a HATE CRIME. He hated himself enough to take it out on the rest of the world. It happens all to often. Please see the article below.

Quit trying to co op our tragedy. This is an unfortunate response gay people have from the societal pressure to be straight. This is a direct result of YOUR OWN PREJUDICE. Just STOP with the fucking Muslim or Islam shit. That isn't the problem. The hatred gays feel about themselves because of how they perceive themselves in society is the problem. Own it. Move on. Be the change you want to be. Let's make tomorrow better.


God I need a drink.

http://www.palmbeachpost.com/…/orlando-shooter-omar-…/nrfwW/

http://www.shrink-friendly.co.il/tau/article/homophobia.pdf

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/29/opinion/sunday/homophobic-maybe-youre-gay.html?ref=opinion

Previous Facebook post:

Someone close to me recently said that I could have graduated college back in my early twenties. I said I couldn't because I wasn't in a good mental place. Learning to cope with constant fear is not an easy task. And dealing with realizing you are hated simply for who you love is a life altering revelation. There is a reason why, in a study done in 2000 they found that 90% of gay men reported having done drugs at some point in their life. It's to escape.

Many people don't realize this but I learned in high school not to be a victim. I wasn't really bullied because people thought of me as the type that could react. I did react when it happen, explosively. Needless to say even living in the constant anxiety and stress of coming out I knew the dangers. There is a reason that 50% of all teenage suicides are due to repression of homosexual desires, and 90% of those attempts are fatal. Not cries for help; these gun shot to the head or strangulation; they want to end it to end the crucible that is coming to terms with a life where most of general society thinks you should be dead.

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My friend (ex boyfriend Ed) got beat so badly he had to have his jaw wired shut for months. I carried a short sword with me in the car. Always. I was scared shitless but I was going to give myself a chance at defending myself. When another friend got beaten and put I the hospital by his neighbors, I gave him that sword. And then I kept a bat in the car.

The long and short of it is, we all have demons that we are chasing. Some of us are more effective at demolishing them than others. Please stop assuming that all gay people magically find a fairy wand and are suddenly fabulous. None of us do. It is a tumultuous crucible of self loathing and doubt that we come out the other side with a fire born of extinguished hate replaced with a fire to bring justice to our community. That is why we become activists. That is why we are effective at it. We've already beat ourselves to shreds and come out the other side.

Perilous Repast

A shaky hand goes up to Judy Waller's temples. She massages her temples meditatively as a tear falls down and joins the pool in her glass. The half masticated remains of lunch sit baking in the sun. The sun is shining impossibly bright on her as she sits at the table in the chic Cafe Twila.

Sidewalk Cafe, Miami Beach

Courtesy of Wikipedia Commons

Her hand darts down to her glass. She raises to her trembling lips and takes a small swig of water. She returns the glass to the table and gazes out over the railing separating her from the bustling street beyond.

Judy contemplates the information she just received as the chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee. You see, the president had just taken office 4 months prior and had inherited a mess in the middle east. Judy smiles sarcastically to herself as she looks down at her watch. A mess indeed. When was it not a mess?

Judy pulls her purse up to her and clings to it like a life raft in the ocean. She fishes through it and pulls out a billfold. She extracts several bills and drops them on the check that was sitting silently on the table.

She stands up with too much force and almost falls backward. She regains her balance and drops her billfold back into her purse. She slings the purse over her shoulder and moves out onto the street.

She looks up at the glaring sun as she enters the heavy traffic of the sidewalk. It was times like these she wished that she could just burn up in the heat of the day. All cares and worries evaporated like so much spilt milk on the sidewalk.

Suddenly a crack exposed her Vera Wang knock offs as substandard. The 5 inch heel slips off to the side sending Judy plummeting directly into traffic. She hits the road hard, her hands scraped and bleeding. She lifts herself up slowly and sees a city bus barreling down the street toward her.

Travel Coventry

Courtesy Wikipedia Commons

Everything slowed down to a crawl. The bus’s shrill horn bellowed out of the siren. Judy was frozen like a deer caught in headlights. Curiously she could feel a drop of blood running swiftly down the side of her cheek from a gash in her forehead. A slow scream of fright was escaping her throat involuntarily.

A hand wraps itself around her midsection. A sharp pressure lifted her out of the way of the bus and threw her back on the sidewalk. She landed splayed out on the concrete. People walking around her oblivious to the events that had unfolded. The man in the dark trench coat reached out a gloved hand, the fingers breaking through the fabric.

Judy took his hand and he helped her back up onto her feet. “Thank you! Thank you so much, Mr...”

“Jessup. Mr. Jessup.”

“I owe you my life.”

“It was nothing. Just saw that you were in need.”

The senator beamed back at him. “It’s people like you... Could I buy you lunch or something?”

An strong arm covered in a suit wrapped itself around her in familiarity. A strong voice resounded within the group. “Ally, we really must be going.” Judy’s face freezes at the sound of the name. She quickly tries to cover and smiles broadly.

“Right Lawrence, of course. I apologize Mr. Jessup, I have a meeting I must get to.”

“It’s all right ma’am. I hope you have a wonderful day!”

Lawrence is maneuvering Judy around and leading her away. She calls over her shoulder, “I hope you do too.”

Safely away Lawrence speaks into his cuff link, “Dove is returning to coup.”

“Why did you use the code name? What’s going on?”

“He had an AK under his coat, ma’am.”

Girl with AK47

Courtesy of Wikipedia Commons

“That sweet man that just saved me?”

“Yes, ma’am, he--” Lawrence’s point is cut off by punctuated gunfire. Judy turns in shock to see Jessup spraying death into the cafe she was just eating at.

Lawrence forces her head down as he continues to lead her away.

“Keep down, ma’am.”

“I don’t understand!”

“You were the target. We just received word of the threat; why I came to reclaim you."

"He's not Syrian!"

"It was in response to the strike you proposed to the President on the terrorists in Oregon, ma’am.”

“Oh my god!”

“He must not have seen a picture of you; known what you looked like. Count yourself lucky ma’am. Lets get you back to the office.”

AUTHOR’S NOTE:

This work is a derivative of the story “The Fawn and the Little Tiger”. After reading it I was struck by the multiple times we can encounter someone who is seen to be a friend and turns out to be our greatest enemy. Much like the song Passive by A Perfect Circle declares, “I’m sure of your ability to become my perfect enemy.”

People’s passions about different things are affected by their perceptions. I perceive the taking over of federal buildings by a criminal group making demands as a criminal act of terrorism. However the mainstream media decides to label them as freedom fighters. If these folks had been any other race other than white or any other religion other than christian, the response would have been a lot different. However because of their race and religion we give them a pass.

In my story, I equate the group as terrorist taking on a more traditional terrorism role of attacking a cafe. I also use a red herring of the senator contemplating the strike she had ordered in Syria which also draws a parallel to their actions.

In the source story the fawn and the tiger become friends and help each other out until it comes time to feed. The fawn goes to find food for the tiger cub when the tiger cannot eat grass. The fawn is told by it’s mother that it was lucky to escape since the tiger’s food was the fawn.

I feel that this type of story resonates with the acts of terrorism on multiple levels but because of the non action against the group in Oregon they are still “friends.” When they decide to “feed” by committing an act that endangers other whites, we will know what type of food they need.

Indian Fables by Ramaswami Raju. Website: “The Fawn and the Little Tiger”.